The Top 10 Crappiest Games I've Ever Finished

I've heard that our Top 10 category is silly because nothing in it is really a top 10. Well, I'm here to address that problem with a top 10 that's really a bottom 10, because all of these games suck.


Why is it the top 10 that I've finished instead of just the top 10 crappiest games? Because there were coincidentally 10 games I've finished that I wanted to talk about, and also because that's a nice defining line that stops me from needing to worry about whether one of these is worse than a game I quit after five minutes. Anyway, to the list!



10. Spy Fox in "Dry Cereal" (Humongous Entertainment, 1997, PC)


Humongous made a ton of great adventure games, but they also made Spy Fox. Fox here is supposed to be a charismatic James Bond-type, but he's painfully unfunny. Playing Spy Fox is like watching a stand up comedian go on and on for an entire hour without noticing that no one in the audience has even thought about laughing at any point. And as if that wasn't enough to make you hate him, he's also insufferably dismissive to everyone around him, and just an absolute ass of a spy in every regard.


Spy Fox was executed for espionage after being simultaneously sold out by everyone he had ever met. That day is now a national holiday in 47 countries.


9. MegaTagmension Blanc + Neptune VS Zombies (Idea Factory, 2016, Vita)


This whole series was getting ported to Vita while I was in college and my Vita was frequently my only game system in the mornings while others were asleep, so I rented and finished most of them. The other games are largely mediocre with a few stinkers, but then there's this one. It's the second attempt at a warriors game they made, now with a plot somehow more inane than the more games and about five times longer. You have seen everything there will ever be in approximately the first five seconds, and everything after that is those five seconds over and over again with occasional interruptions from the cast of morons.


8. Corpse Party: Blood Drive (MAGES/XSEED, Vita, 2015)


I was actually looking forward to this Vita game, because the first Corpse Party is a great, if frequently excessively gruesome, horror game. There was setup for a sequel, and the old cast was returning, so what could go wrong?


Everything. Blood Drive seems to believe that the key parts of the original game were the clunky RPG Maker gameplay and gorey details, and also that they were such amazing horror devs that they needed to make it harder for themselves by using chibi character models. In a twist that surprised absolutely no one, you can't make chibi models scary, working your way through mazes of traps with crappy controls is miserable, and gore without any plot justification is just gross. What little story they did bother with is either impressively bad - like having the main villain die offscreen to what is effectively a deus ex machina - or actively undermines the original game.


7. Speedy Gonzalez Aztec Adventure (Sunsoft, GBC, I can't be bothered to look it up)


I'm not going to say too much about this one because I'm going to have to play it again for the GBC series. Suffice to say that it's a licensed platformer with limited lives that relies almost entirely on wildly unfair offscreen threats to have any difficulty. It'd be practically impossible to beat this game without having the whole thing memorized, and it seems designed with that specific intent.


6. Hydrophobia: Prophecy (Dark Energy Digital, PC, 2011)


It desperately wants to be Uncharted, but it has the production value of a bootleg Pokemon cartridge. The puzzles are all based around water flow, yet the water physics are so unrealistic that sometimes all the water just decides to disappear and go to a better game. Enemies will spawn in literally right behind you when you press a switch, but it's okay because they do practically no damage and you have infinite bullets. Eventually it decides it would actually rather be Half-Life 2 and brings in a Gravity Gun ripoff, but naturally the button to use it doesn't work half the time. The ending has practically no relevance to the plot. Levels would be almost impossible to navigate without a magic tablet telling you exactly where to go at all times.


All of it is a disaster, and the devs had the audacity to tell reviewers they were playing it wrong when it started getting basement-level scores at release. You've already done something wrong if you're playing this game at all.


5. Danganronpa Another Episode: Ultra Despair Girls (Spike Chunsoft, Vita, 2015)


UDG converts the established Danganronpa series to a third person wave shooter. The gameplay is fine. It's extremely repetitive, occasionally buggy, and is largely boring after five minutes, but it's not nearly bad enough to make this list on its own.


No, it's here because the writing is both dreadful and completely unaware of that fact. The entire game seems like a vehicle for the writers to be pervy about the protagonist even though she's in middle school, culminating in a scene in which you have to prevent a machine from using a bunch of cartoonish grabby arms to grope her to death. Naturally, this sequence is immediately adjacent to one that wants to be about the horrors of child sex abuse. This is the only game I've ever played that has managed to be truly offensively bad.


4. The Corridor (Thomas Mackinnon, PC, 2020)


I do not like The Beginner's Guide at all, but I can at least see what others like about it. This game is a copy/paste of that game's message communicated almost entirely through a button that makes the game shut down. It says nothing that TBG didn't communicate better, and it does it through quite possibly the single most obnoxious gameplay mechanic ever conceived. It could have just quit to a menu, reset you to start, or any number of other things that would've been less annoying, but no, it fully quits the game and makes you boot it up again after what is frequently only a few seconds of gameplay. It's a massively worse version of a game that already existed, and it hardly even tries to add anything to the message.


3. Airport Tycoon II (Global Star Software, PC)


The core idea and mechanics of it as a tycoon game are solid. There is a good game here somewhere, but it's buried under an ugly mess that crashes at least once an hour and drops all your progress. Worst of all, despite basing all of its progression on building higher level terminals, you can only ever build two and there's no way to delete an existing one. As a result, the game is effectively over once you've built two terminals, because even though you can see better buildings in the menu, there's no way to ever get to any of them.


AT2 is the stand in on this list for all the broken pieces of crap I've ever played.


2. Milkmaid of the Milkyway (Mattais Folkestad/machineboy, PC, 2017)


Much like Child of Light, it forces every single line of dialogue to rhyme, but it's a much worse poet than that game was and you'll want to throw something at everyone involved in writing it after a few lines. That shitty poetry elevates (lowers?) what would otherwise be just a boring adventure game with some bad puzzles. The plot tries desperately to be some combination of an old fairy tale and funny, but succeeds only at being unoriginal and annoying. It might be of a technically higher standard than most of the other games here, but every moment of it is grating.



1. Woodland Saga (Sokpop, PC, 2020)


Maybe it's unfair to put a $3 game made by one person in two weeks at the top of the list, but Woodland Saga is so bad that I don't care. It's ostensibly a strategy game based on cards, but by default you only have one card unlocked, and it's far and away the worst card in the game. You can only get more cards by winning lots of matches, but the online scene is obviously dead, so that means playing against the AI. The AI has access to all of the cards from the start, and many of those cards can just one-shot your shitty units. It'd be impossible to win except that the AI is a complete idiot that often does nothing or makes pointless moves, and so if you get lucky enough for long enough you can just barely sneak in a win.


Doing that is absolutely miserable and hardly feels like an achievement when you've clearly only gotten there because the AI was so inept that it simply ignored you taking all of the victory points. But at least you have access to more interesting cards now, right? Nope! You have to win something like 10 times to even get one new card. And even if you were willing to endure this crap for however many matches it would take to luck into 10 wins, what then? Once your incredible card disadvantage is gone, it's not like the AI is even close to being able to put up a challenge in a fair fight. All that work would just change it from an aggravating exercise in futility to a complete trivial steamrolling of an AI that's barely even playing.


I would have called myself a fan of Sokpop before this game, but it's so irredeemably terrible that it made me reconsider whether any of their games were really worth $3 and however long they take to play. That gives Woodland Saga the dubious honor of being so bad that it made me stop liking an entire developer's catalog. Quite a feat, really.

25 views3 comments

Recent Posts

See All